I’ve been dealing with the heat, plus a few things that inspire some upset. I resort to keeping busy to keep my feelings at bay. When I noticed sadness coming to the surface I shared it with my business partner who gave me the space to honour the feelings. How I appreciated that!
I remember seeing on Tom Lescher’s weekly Pele Report that this week would be a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Yup! The heat seems to amplify it, and maybe that’s not a bad thing. Perhaps I would have kept myself busier to deal with this grief.
I’m thinking about self love, selfishness, selflessness and being self-serving. Imagining them on different points along a spectrum, or perhaps as a constellation or in a venn diagram. I’m imagining self love being in the middle and selflessness being on one end with things like martyrdom and selfishness being on another end. Being self serving could be with selfishness or an offshoot of it. There seems to be a bit of a gray area between being self serving and being self loving. Another spectrum on creating a constellation or bubble in the venn diagram.
I remember a documentary called The Fix about drug addiction in Vancouver, the girlfriend of the main subject was portrayed as a bit of a martyr. It helped me see my own behaviour in the environmental and social justice activism I was dedicating my life to in a different light. I began to see that selflessness and selfishness can be two sides to the same coin. Sure, I cared about the Earth and all it’s inhabitants, but underneath I wanted to be right and for people to do what I thought they should do in line with my beliefs. Almost evangelical when I look at it now.
In my selfless and tireless work I burnt myself out, three times before I was 30. Not very self loving. My workaholism was martyrdom. Thankfully, my body delivered a different kind of wisdom by contracting pneumonia to get me to take care of myself and shake up my world. What was I serving? My desire to live by my principles or my self righteousness? I can see now that it was both. It doesn’t need to be one or the other.
As I explore this territory of self love the main feature that stands out is if I am nurtured by how I am being. Does it nurture me to water my fruit trees and care for my heat stressed animals? Of course, they are important to me. As long as I’m also taking care of myself, which I believe I am. It’s a nice change to be able to say that. Normally I look for what’s missing, what else I could do. Today I am happy with how well I have taken care of myself. Another thing the heat amplifies!