I’m impressed that I’ve made it to day 24! Woo hoooo! Celebration! I even meditated for the second day in a row this morning. Not a great quality meditation but gives me more incentive to keep going and do another one tomorrow. I’ll do it after a dog walk, today it was raining so the girls were itching for a walk but sat with me while I meditated, not so subtly dropping hints for attention.
Just before I went to sleep I saw that I’d been tagged in a facebook post, it was a discussion about questioning the anti-wealth sentiment in our society. One of the things I’ve noticed and uncovered in myself is tied up in my fear of becoming wealthy (that sits beside my desire to earn a lot of money, and grief about not earning as much working for myself as working for ‘tha man’) is about my relationship with myself especially worthiness. Brene Brown talks a lot about this in The Gifts of Imperfection.
It’s one of the motivators for me to do this self love challenge, to improve my relationship with myself, which you’d think would have a positive effect on my self worth. When my self worth has improved, ideally that will help me shift out of the rut I’ve been in about earning money. The transition from employee to entrepreneur has been a rocky one for me.
I have an infinite amount of motivators to earn more money, yet it feels like there’s a glass wall that I keep hurling myself at. With this challenge, I’m stepping back to see if there’s another way to remove the wall, to enable me do things like get a new hot water system and fix a growing list of things around my house. Not to mention paying the mortgage and not having to worry about what happens when my old dogs need more vet care. And on a grander scale, I envision being a philanthropist, supporting some of the great initiatives that are making a difference and advancing our society toward a more enlightened existence.
As I begin to love myself more, will I free myself up and value myself more so that I attract what I’m worth? I don’t know. I can only guess and do what I think will hit the mark. I’ve done all sorts of things that seem like a good idea, that might dismantle the wall and provide some new tools or clearer direction for getting me where I’m going. I know I’m capable of greatness, I help my clients uncover theirs all the time, just can’t do it for myself. I’ve had some great coaches too and still it feels like something is missing. I’d much rather write about what I’ve accomplished and how well I’m doing but it feels important to be real as well. Watch this space, I know I’m on the precipice of something big!