Your Birthday

Today marks the 32nd year from the day you came into this world. My calendar reminded me and brought up the pain of your absence. You didn’t see your 30th year before you took your own life. You have no idea the impact you had. You probably thought we wouldn’t notice, but we did.

Looking at your Facebook page today I see how much you were loved. My heart hurts though there is so much beauty in the memories people have of you. I want to post something but I don’t know what to say without sounding trite and feeling like it’s not my place.

I hardly knew you, in fact, we probably never even had a conversation, yet you made an impression on me. We were probably in the same room a handful of times and you were part of at least two of my communities. We’ll never truly know why you decided to leave us.  But the light that went out when you did cast a dark shadow on all our hearts. 

What dark thoughts possessed you to make the choice to end your life remind us of our own demons. It reminds us that we are vulnerable to the dark shadowy depths which we avoid. And of our avoidance of the things we don’t want to think about, the parts of ourselves we reject. It reminds me to be gentle with myself and love all the parts of myself that I struggle to give love to. Thank you for the gift of your life and the gift of the darkness when your light went out.



This is day 11 of 45 posts for 45 years.

45 for 45 Day One

I turned 45 yesterday. I was at Liat’s Open Floor 5 Rhythms dance in the morning fresh off the night before where we had a celebration at our new home. It was a housewarming and birthday gathering of friends and family which was really lovely. At dance had a lot on my mind and when I’m in that space my mind and body open up completely. I had a few thoughts about sharing more of myself and my daily experience.

So here we are, on day one of 45 days to commemorate my 45 trips around the sun! Today I had my first float in about 5 months. I really miss it. With all the chaos of moving house, I couldn’t commit to any times that might have to be changed at short notice with our pending house settlement. Since we moved in, I’ve been settling into a new normal.

Being able to float in the tank this morning was a welcome experience. I’ve been struggling to sleep the last few weeks and tho I had a great sleep between the party and dance the following night was not as good. They say an hour in the tank is worth about two hours of sleep, which is SO needed right now.Floatation-tank

Feeling my body relax completely, floating in 800lbs of salt water was dreamy. Total stillness, darkness an silence. I actually felt sad when the music came on, signaling 5 minutes left. I’ve had a couple of floats where I anticipated the end of the session, not as able to relax as I’d like. But today my body was keen for the relaxation. More of this to come!