Money – Moving Through Fear

The idea that we teach what we need to learn is a powerful one. There are those who teach what they know and that’s an important and valid choice. Yet I find myself compelled to teach what I’m learning. I value vulnerability and walking my talk so it’s no wonder that I found myself being vulnerable, opening up a shame filled topic, and teaching what I know, sharing what I’ve learned on my journey. Recognising the value in what I’ve learned along the way and the opportunity I have to help others on theirs, hoping they don’t need to go through the tough slog I did.

Yesterday I co-led a workshop called Money Tools For Conscious Entrepreneurs. Even just two years ago I’d be a very unlikely candidate to be doing this kind of thing. Sure, I’ve worked hard on letting go of my baggage around money but when I think of how far I’ve come, I still shake my head. One of the things I shared in the workshop about my own journey is that I remember taking a screenshot of each of my bank accounts (spending, saving and business) all having less than $10 in each. Today I regularly have 4 digits in each and sometimes my business account has 5. When I took that screenshot of how poor I was I knew it wasn’t going to stay that way and that I’d look back at it when things were different and remember how far I’d come.

From the Workshop Presentation

From the Workshop Presentation

I had another one of those moments yesterday when we were looking at a demo company in Xero, at a profit and loss sheet and what I’d advise the company to do given what I could see in the months of income and expenditures. When I finished speaking, I had a little epiphany. I realised just how much I’d learned in the past year from working with my accountant (that I was running the workshop with) that I could interpret and advise, at least to a limited extent, just from looking at a profit and loss statement!

At the end of the day I checked in with myself about how I was feeling. I was aware that I still have shame around talking about my success as well as my history with money. I anticipated judgement or at least the potential for being judged. Although my story can inspire others who feel like they are crap with money to turn things around, I still have a background concern that people will think less of me for not living up to a standard or being too open about my own history.

It had me thinking about my work and who I am. Yesterday I delivered the workshop from my edge. I wasn’t wholly in my comfort zone. Despite years of facilitation experience, which certainly helped, I felt anxious about sharing my story and offering burgeoning expertise about something I haven’t known about for very long. Who am I to run a workshop on Money? From so many angles it seems ridiculous!

What I do know is about my own journey and I know about mindset shifting and that was the part I was bringing to the workshop, but I surprised myself at how much I had to contribute to the accounting stuff as well. Initially I expected that Bronwyn would be doing that, more or less on her own.

In the past year, I have come a long way. If I can do it, anyone can! When I think of all the people I know struggling to make ends meet, unaware or perhaps marginally aware of their own money blocks, I can only imagine what they could accomplish if a) they moved through those blocks, and b) learned how to manage their business finances.

The work Bronwyn and I did yesterday takes one small step toward enabling this vision. I imagine thousands of hippie millionaires creating subtle shifts as we move mountains. If there were more people with hippie-like values with more money, can you imagine how the world would change? I imagine people buying up land for conservation, protecting wildlife habitat, funding education for women and girls, creating paradigm shifts in social spending and political priorities. This is one of the reasons I want to help people learn about how to manage business finances and empower people to make a difference in the world by working for themselves, earning a great living doing what they love.

Day 24: Worth it?

I’m impressed that I’ve made it to day 24! Woo hoooo! Celebration! I even meditated for the second day in a row this morning. Not a great quality meditation but gives me more incentive to keep going and do another one tomorrow. I’ll do it after a dog walk, today it was raining so the girls were itching for a walk but sat with me while I meditated, not so subtly dropping hints for attention.

Just before I went to sleep I saw that I’d been tagged in a facebook post, it was a discussion about questioning the anti-wealth sentiment in our society. One of the things I’ve noticed and uncovered in myself is tied up in my fear of becoming wealthy (that sits beside my desire to earn a lot of money, and grief about not earning as much working for myself as working for ‘tha man’) is about my relationship with myself especially worthiness. Brene Brown talks a lot about this in The Gifts of Imperfection.self-worth-matters-300x220

It’s one of the motivators for me to do this self love challenge, to improve my relationship with myself, which you’d think would have a positive effect on my self worth. When my self worth has improved, ideally that will help me shift out of the rut I’ve been in about earning money. The transition from employee to entrepreneur has been a rocky one for me.

I have an infinite amount of motivators to earn more money, yet it feels like there’s a glass wall that I keep hurling myself at. With this challenge, I’m stepping back to see if there’s another way to remove the wall, to enable me do things like get a new hot water system and fix a growing list of things around my house. Not to mention paying the mortgage and not having to worry about what happens when my old dogs need more vet care. And on a grander scale, I envision being a philanthropist, supporting some of the great initiatives that are making a difference and advancing our society toward a more enlightened existence.

As I begin to love myself more, will I free myself up and value myself more so that I attract what I’m worth? I don’t know. I can only guess and do what I think will hit the mark. I’ve done all sorts of things that seem like a good idea, that might dismantle the wall and provide some new tools or clearer direction for getting me where I’m going. I know I’m capable of greatness, I help my clients uncover theirs all the time, just can’t do it for myself. I’ve had some great coaches too and still it feels like something is missing. I’d much rather write about what I’ve accomplished and how well I’m doing but it feels important to be real as well. Watch this space, I know I’m on the precipice of something big!